moon_aka_sun

Top 10 funniest religious jokes

1. Man on a bridge

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

2. Whoever is without sin

Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.

To calm the situation, Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."

Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The unfortunate young lady collapsed dead on the spot.

Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."

3. A problem in the convent

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

4. The four sinning nuns

Four nuns are standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.

"Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.

"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.

He then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.

"Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.

Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.

"Why did you push ahead in line?" asked Peter.

"Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!" replied the nun.

5. The twelve priests

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked, while a beautiful, big-breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis. They were told that anyone whose bell rang when the nude model danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell...

Then all the other bells started to ring.

6. The desperate man on a train

A man ran through a crowded train looking very agitated, calling out, "Is there a Catholic priest on board?"

When he got no reply, he ran back up the train shouting, "Is there an Anglican priest on board?" Still no reply.

By now becoming more desparate, he ran down the train shouting, "Is there a Rabbi on board?"

Eventually, a gentleman stood up and said, "Can I be of any assistance, my friend? I'm a Methodist minister."

The man looked at him and said, "No, you're no bloody good. I need a corkscrew!"

7. Secrets of the confessional

Michael took Kevin along with him to confession for moral support. Kevin waited in the pews while Michael approached the confessional.

"Forgive me father, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."

"Ah Michael," sighed the priest, "you have grieved the Holy Spirit. Tell me, was it Mary McCarthy?"

"I can't tell you, father," answered Michael, "I promised I wouldn't say, but forgive me, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."

"Michael, this is not what you have been taught by Mother Church. Was it Sinead O'Rourke?"

"I can't say, father, I promised I wouldn't, but forgive me, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."

"Ah, Michael, your poor mother and father would be heartbroken to know this. I wonder, was it Philomena Donnelly?"

"I can't tell you, father, I promised, forgive me, I have been with a woman."

"Michael, my son, I harboured such high hopes for you when you were an altar boy. Tell me, was it Therese Murphy?"

"Father, I can't say, I promised, forgive me father, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."

The priest pronounced, "Michael, you must say 50 Our Fathers and 30 Hail Marys."

"Thank you, father," a relieved Michael acknowledged, and went back to the pews where his mate Kevin was waiting.

"Michael, Michael, what did the father say?"

"He gave me 50 Our Fathers, 30 Hail Marys and four good leads."

8. Jesus at the Pearly Gates

St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in.

After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly."

Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!"

The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"

9. The Trinity's holiday

The Trinity were planning a holiday. The Spirit, manifesting the creative part of the divine nature, was coming up with the ideas. "Let's go to New York," he suggested.

"No, no, no," said the Father, "They're all so liberated, they'll spend the whole time calling me 'Mother' and it will just do my head in."

So the Spirit sat back and thought. "I know, what about Jerusalem?" he said. "It's beautiful and then there's the history and everything."

"No way!" the Son declared. "After what happened the last time, I'm never going there again!"

At this point, the Spirit got annoyed and went off in a huff. Sometime later he returned and found that the Father and Son had had a idea they both thought was excellent:

"Why don't we go to Rome?" said the Son.

"Perfect!" cried the Holy Spirit. "I've never been there before!"

10. The talking statue

A workman is doing work inside a church. He sees a little old Italian lady get down in front of a statue of Mary and start to pray.

The workman decides to have a little fun. He gets behind the statue of Jesus and loudly says, "Woman, get off your kness. Don't pray to her, pray to me!"

The little old Italian lady looks up at the statue of Jesus and says, "Shutup your mouth, I'm talking to your mother!"

Some top most offensive religious jokes

1. The girl on a cliff

A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

2. Hitler at the Pearly Gates

Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."

St Peter: "Not likely!"

Hitler: I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."

At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on.

St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."

Jesus: "Bugger off!"

Hitler: "No, it's true! To prove it, I've got a six foot solid gold cross I can't find the owner of. I could give that to you."

Now Jesus was partial to crosses, so he went to see God.

Jesus: "Hey Dad, I've got Hitler outside and he wants to come in now he's repented."

God: "Tell him to get lost!"

Jesus: "But Dad, he's given back all the gold that he stole from the Jews - except for a six foot, solid gold cross he can't find the owner for. He says I can have it."

God: "And what do you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn't even carry a fuckin' wooden one!"

3. What do you give...

What do you give a paedophile who has everything?

A bigger parish.

4. Adventure trip for boys

A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.

"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"

The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.

"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.

"Is there time?" asks the priest.

5. Picture of Jesus

What's the difference between real Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

6. Calling for Jesus

An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

"Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter.

"I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man.

St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!"

Some more religious jokes

Praying to win the lottery

A Jewish man goes into the synagogue and prays. "O Lord, you know the mess I'm in, please let me win the lottery."

The next week, he's back again, and this time he's complaining. "O Lord, didn't you hear my prayer last week? I'll lose everything I hold dear unless I win the lottery."

The third week, he comes back to the synagogue, and this time he's desperate. "O Lord, this is the third time I've prayed to you to let me win the lottery! I ask and I plead and still you don't help me!"

Suddenly a booming voice sounds from heaven. "Benny, Benny, be reasonable. Meet me half way. Buy a lottery ticket!"

Jesus and Moses play golf

Jesus and Moses are bored stiff in heaven. "Hey Moses," says Jesus, "why don't we disguise ourselves, go down to earth and have a round of golf?"

Moses agrees, and after donning appropriate clothes and renting equipment they arrive at the first tee.

They flip a coin and Moses wins the honour. He takes a mighty swing and the ball sails 300 metres right down the middle of the fairway. "Nice shot," says Jesus grudgingly.

Jesus tees up his ball, takes a mighty swing and hooks the ball onto the side of a hill less than 100 metres away. A squirrel spots the ball, picks it up in his mouth and runs off. A snake curled up on the rock striikes out at the squirrel and swallows it whole, ball and all. Just then an eagle spots the snake, swoops down and carries it off in its talons. Just as the eagle flies over the first green, lightning flashes from the sky and hits the eagle, which drops the snake. The snake regurgitates the squirrel on contact with the ground, whereupon the squirrel drops the ball which rolls five metres across the green and into the hole.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Are we going to play golf, or just screw around?"

Zucchini problem

Two nuns are in the fruit and vegetable section of a supermarket, looking for zucchini. All the zucchini are packaged on trays and covered in plastic in groups of three.

They go through all the trays, and one says to the other, "Well, this is useless. They all come in threes. There's only two of us."

The other nun shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I suppose we could always eat the third one."

Cleaning the Father's room

Three nuns were talking.

The first nun said, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day and I found pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a box of condoms."

"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?"

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied smugly.

The third nun said, "Oh shit."

Nuns at the Pearly Gates

Three nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates and St Peter tells them that new rules have been put in place. To pass into Paradise, each nun must answer a religious question.

St Peter asks nun number one, "Who cut off Samson's hair?"

The nun answers, "Delilah," and is allowed into Paradise.

He turns to nun number two and asks, "Who first saw Jesus on Easter Sunday?"

The nun has to think for a bit, but finally recalls that it was Mary Magdelene and is allowed through the gates.

Finally, St Peter asks nun number three, "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"

The nun bursts out, "Ooh, that's a hard one!"

"Congratulations," says St Peter. "In you go."

Sitting next to the Pope

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after takeoff, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"

Only one word leapt to mind. "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another."

He thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

Mary in Sunday school

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day, the teacher called on her while she was napping: "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question: "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The teacher fainted.

New priest's first confession

A young priest is taking his first confession.

"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned," says a young woman. "It's a year since my last confession. I have had impure thoughts and oral sex with an encyclopedia salesman."

The priest doesn't know what to do. He leans out of the confession box and whispers over to the choir who are in church for a practice. "Pssst! Lads! What does Father Doherty give for a blow job?"

Little Liam pipes up: "A Mars Bar and a packet of crisps."

The rabbi and priest's lunch

A rabbi and a priest are eating lunch together. The priest leans over and says, "Is it still true Jews can't eat pork?"

The rabbi nods and says, "Yeah, and is it true you Catholic priests can't have sex?"

The priest sighs and agrees.

A few minutes later, the priest whispers to the rabbi, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

The rabbi looks abashed but says, "Yes, I ate a ham sandwich once. Did you ever break your vow of celibacy?"

The priest sighs and says, "Yes, once, she was beautiful."

The rabbi smiles and says, "Better than a ham sandwich, isn't it?"

Visiting the confessional

It's a typical Saturday afternoon and the priest on duty is hearing confessions. It's a little quiet at the moment, and he is in meditation, when he hears some shuffling and scrabbling, feels two big thumps, hears the door to the confessional open and then some strange sounds coming from the booth beside him, along with a strong whiff of whiskey.

A little puzzled, he pulls back the screen and says, "My son, may I help you?"

He hears a man answer him in a slurred voice, "You sure can, buddy. Is there any toilet paper on your side?"

Desert island church

A man is rescued after many years on a desert island.

As he stands on the deck of the rescuing vessel, the captain says to him, "I thought you were stranded alone. How come I can see three huts on the beach?"

"Well," replies the castaway, "that one there is my house and that one there is where I go to church."

"And the third one?" asks the skipper.

"Oh, that's the church I DON'T go to."

The anti-drinking nun

Murphy was going into the pub when he was stopped by a nun standing outside. "Don't go in there," she said to him, "drink will be the ruin of you. It's a terrible thing."

Murphy was having none of this and said to the nun, "Drink is great, sister! Have you ever tried it?"

"Well, no," said the nun.

"I tell you what, sister," said Murphy. "I'll get you a drink and after you've tried it, you tell me if you still think it's terrible."

"Well, all right," said the nun, "but please get it in a china cup. I don't want people to be scandalised by seeing me drinking in the street."

So Murphy goes into the pub and says to the bartender, "Give me a double whiskey, but put it in a china cup, please."

"God Almighty," says the bartender. "Don't tell me that freakin' nun is outside again!"